Sometimes I sit at the table and I wonder if the things that I do truly matter to what I become in life. I sit staring at the wall, staring at a closed window, staring at nothing and everything all at once and wonder if where I come from has anything to do with where I go. If the caution I take so tediously is truly necessary to ensure my "success". And after I think that, I consider what success is. Who succeeds and why? Which success is more compelling? The rags to riches; the American dream; the hard work brings good rewards type of success? Which is success in its truest form? Is the success of a sculptor who lives with her partner in a small studio painting her heart's desire everyday and few times sharing that heart's joy with others for small prices the same as the success of a big company CEO who never worries about a bill or a shopping spree or a single dime but has little time to consider any other passion but that of their company?
[start of new form apparently]
There's a Law & Order episode and the guy plays an author and describes some colleges students as those of "minuscule minds with overblown ambitions". I have to say that that quote is intriguing because right now I feel that that describes me perfectly. Not to be self-deprecating or anything, but I have the ambition, the want to be a great writer; a passionate writer, but I don't nearly take the actions necessary to fulfill that ambition. Luckily, I've taken a step with this blog. But I will say that this post is titled for a reason. I believe that I fear so many--too many--things for my own good. One of which being that no matter what I write, it will be minuscule in value though I would have attached an ocean of ambition to it. That I have faith in a piece that no one else does. I fear not being able to tell the difference between an unappreciated work and a piece that is truly lacking. I'm pretty sure that my previous paragraph is juvenile but at least I am aware. The more that I write, the more I will improve, the more comfortable I will get and the more others will have faith in me.
I guess I'm writing this because, like I said, this blog is available to everyone even if nobody is reading it. The advice is as much to myself as it could be to any other novice author who needs to decide whether its worth putting oneself out in the public eye for public criticism. So, whoever you are, take it or leave it. But I'm trying to figure out how to stop letting fear stop me from doing what I want.